his big hand

When Corrie Ten Boom was a little girl, her father tucked her into bed and placed his big hand on her face.  She didn't move after that, so as not to erase that feeling.  Later, in the concentration camp, she asked her heavenly Father to place His hand on her face...then she could sleep.

I am convicted again this morning to strive to reflect God's love to my children to train them to trust Axel & I, their earthly protectors, so that they can find their way when they need their heavenly Father's help.

I don't know why this is so hard for me.  Sharp words fly out when I am ragged and my selfish heart needs continuous cleansing.  I am letting go, releasing the past embarrassing, even tragic moments, living in His Forgiveness that forgets my short comings & failures.

and I'm still counting His Graces...

purple weed-flower poking over window sill
over-cast & windy day of labor in garden
play-houses spanning the entire living room, draped in cloth & peppered in dolls & playthings
not minding that it need vacuuming
surprise-child under a table, listening to audio book
a 9-yr-old that loves history
4:30 a.m. gray sky, morning star, moon sliver between tree silhouette
early morning muffins with poppy seed crunch
morning time hopefulness for the day's doings
having cleaned up a pile of stuff
seeing progress in a virtue taught
husband brute-strength help in the garden
coffee in the a.m.
tumbling diligence (because this is a virtue I struggle with)
finding our I'm low in iron (maybe that's my energy-problem?)
safe bug-spray relief
eyelet curtains made from childhood sheets, swaying in breeze
generous sister-in-law
unexpected potatoes turned out in garden toil
eldest child's first picked carrot
happy child-play noises as I arise
baby cars
children trained to give daily hugs & kisses each morning (so that they will get theirs:)

two more days of school for daddy...

and we continue the rhythm that will change, perhaps forever, as our direction turns toward a boys ranch in the fall...


gratitudes...
dandelion worm salad for the turtle
a thoroughly cleaned matchbox car
headache-free again
last cool day for awhile
hard-working husband in garden
clothes for a quick-growing girl
dishes done
deep breathing
last home test today to find out my problem (Lord-willing!)
mating bird-play in mid-air
endless child play on swing
roaming chickens
Nehemiah, chicken with crooked beak
baking dirt for snail aquarium
cocoa, agave, & almond butter on a spoon
leftover lunch menus
reordering the familiar & cluttered

on suffering for a prolonged period of time

When the pain comes in waves, much like the birth-joy pain,
and there is not a thing to do but wait;
wait for the feverfew and ginger to wash over the wound in my head-
they come... gently, quietly...  but surely.
The waves wash and I see that I can endure greater things than I had expected.
Never have I used the Creator's name more, for help and comfort.
Never has the pain seemed so unbearably bearable.
And I realize that suffering is alright.  Life is not beyond the suffering; on the days that I feel well only.
Life is here as the swell subsides and I ready myself for the next, breath deep and wait;
Calling on the Name that one day ends all pain.
And then I realize that the last was worse than the now and I am grateful.
And the end slowly comes and a new beginning dawns.
...

continual gratitudes...

scarfed girl feeding chickens in prairie dress
Nehemiah named crocked beaked chick favorite
family breakfast on time (for a change)
feeling NORMAL after a migraine week
sore back from glorious day garden work
planning a garden for storage
first spring garden- so easy!
baby boy working diligent this morning on house chores
middle one thanking me for letting her sort the clothes(!)
(it's usually the eldest's chore)
teacher-husband-made swing in constant use
resting on the sabbath (learning how to)
sleeping all night 2 days in a row (no headache return)
eldest-inspired impromptu luncheon
handmade invitations
playing dress-up @ thirty-nine
one step closer to a planted garden

transistion gratitudes...

for making big changes

seeing boldness in teacher husband

guiding prayer that hurts and enlivens

  selfless, encouraging friends

goodbyes with crocodile tears and pain in throat

for the call that made it possible to be together again

 that sunny saturday of last picnics and hikes

for unending help when needed

the last box packed

a ride with all we have for two days and one night

for a rental just right

and friends nearby

small town friendliness

exploring new spaces

fall beauty changing as we nest

screened-in porch with country breeze

for new beginnings with an old love

 for being together again after two months

the three that keep life interesting
and the strength from the One who gives freely...

what is home?

Home again to the dream house that we are selling that has not yet sold...

...husband has already moved 8 hours away.

giving thanks for...

three kids tucked in their beds
warm lamp light
only 90 degrees today for a change
a place to meet on the weekends
time with mom
date with teacher husband each weekend
farmers market
estate sale browsing
a friend's pool on a hot day
church home away from home
being content to move eventually to a rental
(as long as we are TOGETHER!)
home being with people, not four walls
apple trees surviving a hair-brained accident
travel laundry waiting for the morning
being mostly unpacked
fresh produce lining the counters for the week
mom's recipe for ratatouille
children popping grape tomatoes
white peaches with pink insides- oh, yum...
friends to see during the week
monday night prayer (emailing) group
our health
a good new home for the beloved cat
bowl of cereal before bed
a good night's sleep after a day in the sun

having the whole summer together in the 150 yr old school house dream house
swimming in the creek
seeing seasons of insects
seeing the stars at night..."but He cares more for Thee"
learning how to get cattle (or goat) off our land
loose chickens in the road
hammock days
vegetable garden memories
wild flowers
peepers song at night
two good years in the country that has led us to helping start a boys ranch

continuous struggles, endless gratitudes...

rainy day reading together
old friends, old memories shared
fresh blueberries
a real homemade pie
ala mode
singing old hymns with new vigor
acoustic guitar leading voices to nourishing praise

 finding glass bottles in old outhouses
turning surplus furniture into cash
giving away stuff
making big decisions together
continuing in faith when future is unseen
leftover pie

 giving thanks even when it's hard...

family torn apart by sin
dying college friend
selling a beloved house
leaving church friends
daughters leaving ideal ballet teacher
son leaving the creek
saying goodbye to close friends
not knowing where and when I will live next
impending separation from husband while selling
new town
new friends
new purpose

one big and love-everlasting God
able to see things I cannot
and carry when I release

"But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more. " Psalm 71:14

celebration

endless gratitudes...

butterflies on the fourth
sway of worshipful parents holding children
Spirit-filled room
a peaceful heart even when sad for another
caring friends

rain clouds passing by
baptism outside
acoustic guitar praise for new brother
potluck on the grounds
every child with a stick
rolling meadow of fun

being home
arms full of husband
packing car for fireworks
getting ice cream together
finding just the right spot
burts bees bug spray
5 sparklers at one time
three kids in graduation on on blanket
sitting still...together
community of celebration

can't have one without the other

gratitudes after a hard 48 hours...
last moment with bird born on my porch
cleaning up the poop of baby birds
long-standing friendships
commitment of time
growing children, growing familiar
dealing with the differences
loving through the differences
road trip
hugging after a long separation
shared woes
doing something really, really, really hard
the something hard being over with

the relief that comes with honesty and communication
loving through ugliness
strength given when I am exhausted
adoration of husband increased even more
leadership in action
skillfulness of the tongue to guide sharp words into agreement
endurance beyond measure
hope beyond an ugly reality
our hopeless state
God's unending possibility with the willing heart
the power of prayer
loving another
being loved

regrets

cloudy skies and still counting gratitudes...

forgiveness and freedom from guilt
letting go and letting God
prayers, heard
kindred friend lunch date
seeing help needed before asked
friendly children
figuring out something tough
a quiet time without end (kids are at grandma's)
Wisdom in His Word
hearing husband on phone after absence
being loved
deep wine-colored geranium surprise
forgotten purple cone flowers from seed
child voice on phone
timely encouragement
a treadmill when it rains
unending fresh water to drink
Spirit help when in need
favorite quotes found after absence
creating order
friendly neighbor chat
shining eyes
cat song
unexpected chicken...again
dishes, cleaned
making cookie dough
getting sleepy
clean sheets
the sound of a bath being run
nested baby bird show outside my window

when anxious and heavy in heart...

Psalm 34

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,

keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;

the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

endless gratitudes...
wildflowers and turtle on the way home
muddy turtle footprints in sink
forgiveness & smiles of middle one
quiet after a long morning
bags of groceries to unload
sunshine calling me outdoors
run/waddle of small one
boy in jammies and boots
the naming of Walkfast (turtle)
shared anticipation of a good book

being with innocence is healing

the list continues...

small one finding "clues" in the grass

can you please hold me?

 gas enough to mow into the barn

being with a mature adolescent
chubby toddler legs stuck in banister
voluntary thank yous
there is a time for everything
kind hug of middle one
repetition of sorry; toddler escapes
rise & fall lilt of toddler voice


finishing a good book together
innocence of my own
hummus lunch, prepared
rain holding off a spell
eyes of child adoring her father
freshness after rain
a brisk walk
water painting
morning bird song
sharing pain together

precious smiles

potty trained boy, unplanned- what grace!
a flow of people viewing my dream house
Faith in God's timing
that I don't have to be a perfect parent
a bag of free food
thinking to share that bag with the needy
too many good books, so much time!
I'm gonna knock you down; oh dear! tussles
seeing secret kindness

love and pain

pain for others loved
is worse than my own.
hands empty
words useless
prayers cold and awkward...
Hope lost for a moment as the weight of the world weighs down.
"do not be anxious" recalled;
obedience complicated and uncompromising,
yet required.
petitions fly
artless prayers stammered out-
tears fall freely to the floor.
Then the Counsel;
clear and precise
with calm resolve,
Guidance graciously given to the depleted mess of me.
and I begin again the endless list that directs me Home...

1398. "mommy, you're special" and
1399. sweet purity smile of my strawberry blond
1400. sunshine on back at picnic table
1401. weeds seen as beautiful treasures
1402. golden book stories with Eloise Wilkins pictures
1403. sister-play: coloring life-sized portraits
1404. Christ-love bond when in need
1405. the smell garlic bread
1406. being reminded that others have problems, too
1407. 1408. new batteries
1409. sweet song of head-phoned kids
1410. dishes that can wait until tomorrow
1411. heavy eyes when it's time to sleep
1412. memory verse soothing in the night